Sunday, February 14, 2010

An Interview with Miss Piggy

In February 1998 Biography Magazine looked to Incomparable Miss Piggy for her views on love, men, and Valentine's Day. As she modestly notes, "There is no one on the planet to compare with moi." An acclaimed authority on affairs of the heart, Miss Piggy had just recently published Miss Piggy's Rules, a compilation of "swine-tested secrets for catching Mr. Right, keeping him, and throwing him back when you've had enough."

Miss Piggy joined the cast of the Muppets in 1976 as a member of the chorus line on the very first episode of The Muppet Show. By the second episode, she was the star, and the Muppets resident chanteuse, femme fatale, and frog amour. Her long career has included theatrical films, TV movies, television specials, videos, records, her own fragrance (Moi!), as well as best-selling books and the occasional outrageous scandal. As of this writing, she is still waiting for the Academy to come to its senses and honor her.

Although Miss Piggy already found her own web-footed mate of choice, she was generous enough to sit down with Janet Cawley and share her tips on how to meet a man, how far a girl should go on the first date, how to tell the difference between love and lust, and how to choose the perfect Valentine's Day gift.

Miss Piggy, as an expert on love and romance, what do you think are the most important qualities in someone of the opposite sex--or species?
I think compassion, kindness, a sense of humor--and someone who also likes to go to jewelry stores and is green.

Well, what's the best way to meet someone?
Dress like moi, smell like moi, look like moi. Just be moi.

Do you think personal ads or blind dates are a good idea?
Moi has no use for personal ads. One thing moi has learned from my many years of mail-order shopping is nothing ever looks as good in your home as it looks in the catalogue. And, as far as blind dates are concerned, moi does not discriminate.

What's a good opening line once you meet someone?
I usually start with, "Hello, my name is Miss Piggy. May I see your latest bank statement, please?"

How can you tell the difference between love and lust?
Lust is spelled differently.

How far should a girl go on the first date?
Tucson. You shouldn't go farther than Tucson. However, if you live in Texas, you can probably go a bit farther. But if you're on the East Coast, I wouldn't go past Tucson. The gas money would kill you.

Suppose he invites you home to his lily pad--should you go?
You're talking about my frog.

Well, there might be other frogs out there.
(Laughs) Too amusing. There are no other frogs out there.

I'm sorry. Well suppose he invites you home to his apartment-should you go?
I certainly would not go on the first date. Moi, first and foremost, am a lady. And I believe that possibly, possibly he has something else in mind--know what I mean? You think we're just going to pop a beer and look at the Yankees?

Well, if you go out someplace on the first date, who should pay, the man or the woman?
The man.

Of course! What do you think, I'm out of my mind?...I believe men and women are not equal, by the way.

So who's superior?
I think we females are much more superior. However, when it comes to paying, I think the men are superior. I think they do that excellently. You gotta give them something.

How did you and Kermit meet?
Kermit was the dashing young frog in charge of The Muppet Show, and moi was the very young ingenue in the chorus. One day at the water cooler, we found ourselves face-to face.... He looked into my eyes and softly said, "Miss, you're standing on my flipper." And the rest is history.

Tell me, had you kissed a lot of princes before you found your frog?
You want to show me some princes in the United States? We're not Monaco.... There were people before Kermit, B.K., as I call it. But if I give you the names of the men who have enjoyed my company, I believe it takes the mystery out of a woman. And also Kermit gets very jealous. Oh, you should see him! He turns flesh-colored!

Now tell me--are you and Kermit actually married?
Of course we're married. Yeah. Don't ask Kermit, by the way.

Now, here are some problems that often come up in romantic relationships. What's the best way to handle them? Let's begin with commitment.
I think we have to look at the word "commitment." "Commitment" can be used in marriage, in a relationship, and also in an insane asylum. I think there's a reason why "commitment" is the word used in an insane asylum, because some relationships are truly insane.

Well, here's another problem. Suppose there's a big difference in your ages. Should you date a guy younger than you?
No one, no one is younger than moi.

Suppose the guy is broke. Is it worth pursuing him?
No. Unless he is el hunko.

How do you feel about prenuptial agreements?
Well, personally, I believe in love. I do not believe it is good to start a marriage saying moi needs x amount of money if we break up.

Does this mean you wouldn't sign one?
No way--I'd sign it in a second.

Well, now that Valentine's Day is here, what do you think is the best kind of Valentine's gift? Chocolate, or something that has a more financial ring to it? Or a real ring to it?
I think the most important gift I could give to someone is my time and my caring.

Miss Piggy, that sounds terribly selfless.
Did I say that? But if we were talking about a gift for moi, no, definitely, we're talking jewelry.

What do you plan to give Kermit for Valentine's Day?
Each year, moi gives Kermit the same Valentine's Day girl: moi!!! It's something I know he likes, he can't return it...and I know it's not something he would pick out for himself.

How do you know when a relationship is over?
For instance, if you're having a wonderful time at a movie with your husband and all of a sudden, you go out the door and you see a blond woman coming straight for him saying, "I have the plane tickets to Rio." There you get a hint that something's wrong.

So what do you do? Break his arm or what?
No, no. I break her arm first. Then I break his legs.

Do you have any one rule of romance you would offer to our readers?
I would say, express your feelings at all times. Unless you're trying to hide something.

Okay, thanks, Miss Piggy. You've been fabulous.
Yes, I have been.